Week 6: Staying Emotionally Connected

I loved this weeks reading especially the two chapters, five and eleven, out of John M, Gottman’s book. I felt like I learned so much more this week and deepened my knowledge about how marriage should work and can work even in certain situations. In chapter five I really liked how Gottman described in detail how to have a “stress-reducing conversation” with your spouse. 

First, take turns listening and allowing each other to complain about frustrations. 

Second, don’t give unsolicited advice; 

Third, show genuine interest in what they are expressing to you. 

Fourth, Communicate your understanding

Fifth, take your spouse’s side meaning be supportive. 

Sixth, express a “we against others” attitude. You as a couple can get through anything that comes your way. 

Seventh, express affection, hug them or put an arm around them and say “I love you”. 

And lastly, validate emotions by letting your partner know that their feelings make sense to you. 

                                                                

I thought Gottman’s analogy that marriage is like a dance is one of the best ways I’ve heard it put. He says, “There are times that you feel drawn to your loved one and times you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy”. Another point that Gottman makes is that when you develop a marriage you are also developing almost your own culture. And when a couple is working on developing their own “culture” they don’t have to see eye to eye on every subject. You can still support and honor your spouse’s dreams and desires even if you don’t always agree. Gottman goes on to say that “…it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict. The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be”. Like we discussed last week, honesty is a major key to a successful marriage and also allowing your spouse to feel safe to be completely honest with you about their feelings is vital. 

                                                                  

Week 5: Cherishing Your Spouse

What is the best way to combat negative thoughts and dislike toward your spouse? How can you strengthen your relationship with one another? 

Well read on for the answers...

I really loved the readings and videos I studied this week. I had a really cool opportunity to share John M. Gottman’s book and the videos I watched with one of my roommates that is engaged. I was sharing with her what I was learning from the book and how fascinated I was by what Gottman was saying about how if a married couple can not look at their past together and find good in it or good times, their marriage is unsalvageable, their love is lost. My roommate was really interested in it so we had an amazing discussion about fondness and admiration.

Fondness and Admiration are the secret to keeping a marriage “fire proof” and unbreakable and to fight against contempt that can creep in without us even realizing it. “Fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horseman”. I love how Gottman also discussed how reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration isn’t complicated. Just by talking and thinking about them you can strengthen or bring back your feelings of respect and likeness. By openly discussing and talking about the problems in your marriage and how they each affect one another, it makes it so much easier

to continue to find solutions to them. 

                                                                            

Gottman talks about having a "Love Map", yours or your partners likes, dislikes, joys, stresses, strengths, worries and so on. The whole idea of creating and learning your partners “Love Map” made me think about my other relationships. I’m not married so the relationships I focus on are my family and friends. So I decided to try it out with one of my best friends and roommate. We picked twenty-questions from the list of sixty and quizzed each other on how well we knew each other. I was surprised how well we did, but there were also a few I had no idea about. It helped me get to know her better and for her to get to know me better. I learned that the better you know your partner or spouse, knowing their likes, dislikes, strengths, struggles, joys, and so on, the better you can succeed to endure the storms that come with marriages. It isn’t easy and with knowledge is strength. I hope that when I do marry my spouse and I will know each other over time well enough to get a really high score on the different tests and activities that Gottman has in his book.

Don't forget to love and cherish your spouse even when times get tough. 

Week 4: Behaviors that Negatively effect Marriage

This week I read the first two chapters from John M. Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The whole key to creating a good foundation for your marriage to be built upon is to have an emotionally intelligent marriage. Meaning they develop an attribute or habit of not allowing the negative thoughts or feelings to overwhelming the positive ones. In unhappy marriages people experience not only emotional stress but also physical stress as well, and adds wear and tear to your body. So the fact that happily married people tend to live longer and healthier lives is true to some extent. There is also evidence that divorce suppresses your immune system making you more susceptible to illness. But divorce and unhappy marriages don’t only affect the couple or parents, but the children as well. In the book it mentioned a test done on children from divorced or stressed homes and they had “chronically elevated levels of stress hormones” when compared to the other children studied. “A peaceful divorce is better than a warlike marriage”. But unfortunately divorces are rarely peaceful.
I loved that Gottman made a point to mention that conflict resolution is not only a solution but a “tonic” that can prevent good marriages from failing. I loved how he mentioned and discussed the myths about how to save a marriage. Especially the one about that just learning how to communicate effectively isn’t going to solve your problems. But also that avoiding conflict will save your marriage, in fact it can actually ruin your marriage. Every couple has different styles of conflict. Happy marriages are based on friendship (“mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company”). A happy couples secret weapon to preventing arguments from getting out of hand is rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship. Lastly, most arguments are about deeper underlying problems and issues not just the small petty things in our every day life. So look for the deeper meaning. Is there something at your spouses work or a stressful time in life that could be creating the base of the anger or lashing out? Be open minded and stay open minded through any and every argument or discussion. Try following the advice given in this quote from Katherine Miracle.

Week 3: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

This week is mainly focused on the Church's stance and beliefs on marriage. One of the activities I completed this week was watching a talk given by Elder Bednar of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints entitled: "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan". It had so many valuable points and information to offer on the importance of marriage in today's world. Elder Bednar put the definition of marriage so plainly and bluntly that it cannot be argued with. First he gave us two questions to ponder:
Question 1: In my own life, am I striving to become a better husband or a wife, or preparing to be a husband or a wife, by understanding and applying these basic principles?
Question 2: As a priesthood or auxiliary leader, am I helping those I serve to understand and apply these basic principles, thereby strengthening marriage and the home?

By examining these questions as we read or listen to his talk we can gauge how we are doing in our eternal progression through marriage. How did you answer these questions? Take minute and physically write out your answers.
Elder Bednar then gives two reasons why eternal marriage is essential to God's plan:
Reason 1: The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.
Reason 2: By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.

I really liked both of these points because I know marriage between a man and a woman has been ordained by God and these two points compliment and strengthen the discussion on how important marriage is to stay between a man and a woman. Elder Bednar went on to describe three principles that describe the importance of an eternal marriage:
Principle 1: The importance of eternal marriage can be understood only within the context of the Father’s plan of happiness.
Principle 2: Satan desires that all men and women might be miserable like unto himself.
Principle 3: The ultimate blessings of love and happiness are obtained through the covenant relationship of eternal marriage.

I know that Marriage should only be between a man and a woman to raise a righteous family on this tumultuous earth. I came across this video while reading material on the subject and loved the message it shares.

Week 2: Threats to Marriage

After reading through articles and journals this week I have gained a greater look into the real fight and debate about the actual definition of marriage and what it stands for. In “The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman” I read so many things that caught my attention. First, that as of late 1985, no nation permitted same-sex couples to marry or had created any kind of marriage-equivalent legal union of r same-sex couples. As well as that in 2000 same-sex marriage was not legal in any nation, and domestic partnership was only recognized in one nation. But fast-forward fifteen more years and we have officially legalized same-sex marriage in the United States. The fight for marriage between a man and a woman has heated up and now we have to take a stance for what we believe.
            The paper pointed out some of the harmful effects that same-sex marriage legalization will have on the institution of marriage, children, families, and society. And how it will be a subtle and gradual effect to the point where we won;t realize it till the damage is done. It’s like cancer; you don’t always realize the damage until it is done and irreversible. I really liked this quote from the journal:

“Marriage establishes the moral core of the family and the moral baseline and standards for society in many ways… Marriage is society’s cultural infrastructure…(it) cultivates a morality of live and sacrifice”.

            I watched a video where Ryan Anderson debated marriage with Piers Morgan and Suze Orman and it honestly angered me. He was making a statement about his opinion and his belief and she proceeded to call him ignorant and uneducated. He was obviously well educated because of his status in the community of marriage and family. Maybe he doesn’t have the same view as Suze but she was just condescending. He was trying to explain that the definition of marriage should be between a man and a woman and that if same-sex couples want to become spouses it should be called something else. He never said he doesn’t want them to have the same rights but Piers and Suze both made it sound like that. He stood his ground in an argument set up to make Suze sound good and in essence win the argument. This is the video of Ryan Anderson, you can decide for yourself what you think of the clip.

No matter your view on marriage or your personal definition on marriage, you have to look at the facts for yourself and come to your own conclusion, will the new legalization of gay marriage have a negative effect on our children and how they view marriage?