I loved this weeks reading especially the two chapters, five and eleven, out
of John M, Gottman’s book. I felt like I learned so much more this week and
deepened my knowledge about how marriage should work and can work even in
certain situations. In chapter five I really liked how Gottman described in
detail how to have a “stress-reducing conversation” with your spouse.
First,
take turns listening and allowing each other to complain about frustrations.
Second, don’t give unsolicited advice;
Third, show genuine interest in what
they are expressing to you.
Fourth, Communicate your understanding
Fifth, take
your spouse’s side meaning be supportive.
Sixth, express a “we against others”
attitude. You as a couple can get through anything that comes your way.
Seventh, express affection, hug them or put an arm around them and say “I love
you”.
And lastly, validate emotions by letting your partner know that their
feelings make sense to you.
I thought Gottman’s analogy that marriage is like a dance is
one of the best ways I’ve heard it put. He says, “There are times that you feel
drawn to your loved one and times you feel the need to pull back and replenish
your sense of autonomy”. Another point that Gottman makes is that when you
develop a marriage you are also developing almost your own culture. And when a
couple is working on developing their own “culture” they don’t have to see eye
to eye on every subject. You can still support and honor your spouse’s dreams
and desires even if you don’t always agree. Gottman goes on to say that “…it is
also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict.
The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more
meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be”. Like we
discussed last week, honesty is a major key to a successful marriage and also
allowing your spouse to feel safe to be completely honest with you about their
feelings is vital.
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