Week 9: Seeking to Understand

In Gottman’s chapter entitled “Overcome Gridlock” he discusses the steps a couple can take to overcome a gridlock in their marriage. Every marriage goes through rough times and as Gottman calls them “Gridlock” situations. His definition for why gridlock is caused is that it is a sign that you have dreams, hopes, wishes, and aspirations for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. These dreams are a apart of who you are, your identity, and your purpose. What are some of your dreams for your own life? What do you aspire to?

The main steps to successfully overcoming gridlock in your marriage are: one, identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. Gottman put’s it perfectly, “… when you adjust to marriage by burying a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form- a gridlocked conflict”. Step two: work on it by writing out an explanation of your position, write the story of the hidden dreams that underline your position, and then explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you. After you understand each others, talk it out. You each take a turn to listen and to talk. When you are talking, don’t criticize your spouse; speak only about your dream and your story. When you listen suspend judgment. Third step: soothe each other. Working through these gridlock issues is stressful and becoming flooded is the last thing that should happen, so take a break and time to balance your emotions. Fourth step: end the gridlock. Define the minimal core areas that you cannot budge on and then the areas you are flexible in and then devise a temporary compromise that honors both dreams. When you have truly over come the gridlock you will your spouses dream for what it is: “ a deep desire held by someone you love”. And lastly, the fifth step: thank them and show gratitude. Each of you have to compromise and give and take, so take the time to say thank you and compliment each other to end on a positive note. Saving your marriage should be the ultimate goal, you can overcome any trial or "gridlock" that occurs.