Week 12: Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

Creating and maintaining meaningful relationships with your in-laws can be critical to the success of your marriage. The first thing that needs to happen is for the newly married couple to leave their parents and cleave unto each other. When a couple marries they have now created a new family unit that needs to be nourished. Part of that includes the newly married couple creating a marital identity.  The first step is to separate themselves from the family they grew up with and share everything about themselves with each other. A new couple needs time to adjust to their new life without the intervention of their parents. Parent’s can stay close to their children but shouldn’t intervene in their child’s new phase of life. Parents should be encouraging their child to discuss the problems and concerns with their spouse and not them.

               

Next a new couple needs to realize that there will be differences and accept that. Yes, marrying into a family that is different from yours or has different values can be challenging. Try to exercise patience, demonstrate humor. Overlook small irritations, and look for the positive. One positive look can be that the children-in-law will be bringing new perspectives into the family, and they could learn from the differences. And one important thing to remember is that any new spouse needs to be included in the extended family. They need to feel accepted and not like an outcast. No one likes feeling that way in his or her family. This can be a major cause of marital conflict at the beginning of a marriage. During this new stage of being a newly wed couple the parent also need to realize that they also need to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. Try to be inclusive and get to know your in-laws or children-in-laws better, make an active effort to bring them into your family.

Week 11: Transitions in Marriage: Power Realtions and Children

The family is a unit that has to work together. The family isn’t just the parents and then the children. They have to rely on each other and allow each other to help, lift, and nurture. In the article “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families” by Richard B. Miller he discusses multiple functions of a good functioning family. One, parent’s are the leaders. Two, parent’s must be united in their leadership. Three, the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children becomes adults. And four, the marital relationship should be a partnership: including that husbands and wives are equal, husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they still function as equals, a husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family, husbands and wives work together as partners.

Parent’s have to responsibility to teach their children and their children should respect them as their parents. But a couple can not be successful parent’s if they are not unified themselves. In an address by Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, he says “…at creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command! … Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts it be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal, it is a necessity”. If you can not work together on normal every day activities then it will be impossible for you to work together on big life changing decisions. Unity in a marriage is vital to it being maintained and strengthened over time. And as Richard B. Miller says “…issues about power is predictive of marital problems” but also that “ happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership”.

Week 10: Transitions in Marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

Learning about sexual intimacy in marriage can seem uncomfortable and for many it is. We have reached a time in this world where some parents rely on schools to teach their children the importance of chastity and sexual purity. Children need to learn about sex with an open mind. Sex isn’t meant to be seen as a fun activity between two random people. God intended it to be an expression of love for you and your spouse to bring you together and make you one. But the world’s view of sex has been so skewed and messed with to the point of degrading it. Sex is such a casual thing in today’s world, but that is so far from the truth of the meaning of sex and love between a husband and wife. Elder Richard G. Scott said:

“Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose.”

The expression of love in a marriage is crucial to the development and evolvement of the relationship. Sexual intimacy’s main purpose is for procreation and bringing children into a home where that can be nourished and grow in a safe environment. Understanding this principle is critical to creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with your spouse. President Spencer W. Kimball stated:

“Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

How has this changed your perception and view on sexual intimacy in marriage and in the world?

Week 9: Seeking to Understand

In Gottman’s chapter entitled “Overcome Gridlock” he discusses the steps a couple can take to overcome a gridlock in their marriage. Every marriage goes through rough times and as Gottman calls them “Gridlock” situations. His definition for why gridlock is caused is that it is a sign that you have dreams, hopes, wishes, and aspirations for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. These dreams are a apart of who you are, your identity, and your purpose. What are some of your dreams for your own life? What do you aspire to?

The main steps to successfully overcoming gridlock in your marriage are: one, identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict. Gottman put’s it perfectly, “… when you adjust to marriage by burying a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form- a gridlocked conflict”. Step two: work on it by writing out an explanation of your position, write the story of the hidden dreams that underline your position, and then explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you. After you understand each others, talk it out. You each take a turn to listen and to talk. When you are talking, don’t criticize your spouse; speak only about your dream and your story. When you listen suspend judgment. Third step: soothe each other. Working through these gridlock issues is stressful and becoming flooded is the last thing that should happen, so take a break and time to balance your emotions. Fourth step: end the gridlock. Define the minimal core areas that you cannot budge on and then the areas you are flexible in and then devise a temporary compromise that honors both dreams. When you have truly over come the gridlock you will your spouses dream for what it is: “ a deep desire held by someone you love”. And lastly, the fifth step: thank them and show gratitude. Each of you have to compromise and give and take, so take the time to say thank you and compliment each other to end on a positive note. Saving your marriage should be the ultimate goal, you can overcome any trial or "gridlock" that occurs. 

Week 8: Managing Conflict, Consecrating Ourselves

I loved chapter six out of “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage” by Goddard. A few things that stuck out to me that I want to share with all of you are, one that “The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God”. As I have reflected on this statement from the chapter it reminded me of a saying one of my church young woman’s leaders would say to me about how God knows us better than we know ourselves and knows exactly what we need. We just have to step aside and allow him to lead us to the best path for our life. Second was that a lot of unhappiness in marriages comes from a partner’s false expectation of how love should be displayed and shown compared to how love actually is shown.  No one can meet every single one of our needs. “We can dwell in discontent, or we can celebrate the points of connection”. I n marriage we should follow Christ’s example and “act to serve and redeem our partner…” Third, that “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve”. Instead of looking at how the marriage could fail or what we can get out of the marriage we can focus on all the joy it could bring, and the positive aspects of the relationship. But it’s also important to remember to serve and seek how to bless our partner with out seeking reward and gain for ourselves. “When we see our challenges within marriage as customized invitations to greater goodness, we will rejoice in His (God’s) perfect purpose”. We can see marriage as training for life after our mortal life here on Earth. It prepares us for eternal salvation and life with God. One of the most important things to have in a marriage is trust in God. A marriage is between the man, woman and God. It’s a three way covenant and promise made for eternity to support, love, and fight for one another no matter what may come your way.
Here's a funny little video just reiterating the importance of patience and how marriage can work if you put the effort in. Enjoy!

Week 7: Beware of Pride

I read a talk given by President Ezra Taft Benson of The Church of Jesus Christ of 
Latter-Day Saints on pride. He put’s the Lord’s law so bluntly that there is no argument. 
I had never thought of pride as such a broad topic but as I read his words on what pride 
really encompasses I was surprised but it all made sense. Pride really is when we put our will 
against God’s which can lead to other sin and problems in our life, including enmity toward 
others. When we are proud we have become more afraid of the world’s view and judgment
than God’s. Disobedience is a power struggle between God and us. When we are prideful we 
try to take power and glory for ourselves and put our desires before our needs and calling 
from God. It also has a huge negative effect on the family. Pride can make it’s way into the 
heart of homes and eventually tear a family apart. I loved that President Benson said “If we 
love God, so His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem”. 
I’ve been struggling a lot lately on learning to love myself, who I am as a person and as a 
daughter of God and it is extremely hard. But when I read that it all made sense. I need to set 
aside my worries of what the world may think and just focus on what the Lord and God think. 
Pride can truly keep many from eternal salvation and living with God for eternity. It keeps 
people from the church and is a huge cause of inactivity. If people could just see themselves 
and everyone else how God see’s them, members and people in general would be so much 
more happy and less offended and defensive. But the antidote for pride is “meekness, 
submissiveness.. it is the broken heart and contrite spirit”. We can choose to be humble or 
be chastened and compelled to be humble.

President Benson said it perfectly that there is no righteous pride, all pride is sin. But overcoming 
pride can be extremely hard and that is when we have to turn to the Lord and rely on the 
atonement to help us overcome pride and humble ourselves. Having the self-control and 
self-discipline to take a step back and look at the situation and yourself is an amazing quality

Being able to humble ourselves and repent in our marriage is a huge lesson that is learned early
 on can effect our marriage for the better. It can strengthen the relationship and build an even 
stronger foundation on trust and honesty. It is a worry of mine too that I'll get tired of the 
person I marry but I know that as I stay focused on God and never give up on my marriage 
I can get through anything that comes my way. I know my future spouse and I will have ups 
and downs and through those rough patches we can lean on God to help us get through them. 
The repentance process is amazing. It brings so much joy, peace, and love into our life if we 
just apply it.

This is President Benson's address on Pride: "Beware of Pride"

Week 6: Staying Emotionally Connected

I loved this weeks reading especially the two chapters, five and eleven, out of John M, Gottman’s book. I felt like I learned so much more this week and deepened my knowledge about how marriage should work and can work even in certain situations. In chapter five I really liked how Gottman described in detail how to have a “stress-reducing conversation” with your spouse. 

First, take turns listening and allowing each other to complain about frustrations. 

Second, don’t give unsolicited advice; 

Third, show genuine interest in what they are expressing to you. 

Fourth, Communicate your understanding

Fifth, take your spouse’s side meaning be supportive. 

Sixth, express a “we against others” attitude. You as a couple can get through anything that comes your way. 

Seventh, express affection, hug them or put an arm around them and say “I love you”. 

And lastly, validate emotions by letting your partner know that their feelings make sense to you. 

                                                                

I thought Gottman’s analogy that marriage is like a dance is one of the best ways I’ve heard it put. He says, “There are times that you feel drawn to your loved one and times you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy”. Another point that Gottman makes is that when you develop a marriage you are also developing almost your own culture. And when a couple is working on developing their own “culture” they don’t have to see eye to eye on every subject. You can still support and honor your spouse’s dreams and desires even if you don’t always agree. Gottman goes on to say that “…it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict. The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be”. Like we discussed last week, honesty is a major key to a successful marriage and also allowing your spouse to feel safe to be completely honest with you about their feelings is vital. 

                                                                  

Week 5: Cherishing Your Spouse

What is the best way to combat negative thoughts and dislike toward your spouse? How can you strengthen your relationship with one another? 

Well read on for the answers...

I really loved the readings and videos I studied this week. I had a really cool opportunity to share John M. Gottman’s book and the videos I watched with one of my roommates that is engaged. I was sharing with her what I was learning from the book and how fascinated I was by what Gottman was saying about how if a married couple can not look at their past together and find good in it or good times, their marriage is unsalvageable, their love is lost. My roommate was really interested in it so we had an amazing discussion about fondness and admiration.

Fondness and Admiration are the secret to keeping a marriage “fire proof” and unbreakable and to fight against contempt that can creep in without us even realizing it. “Fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horseman”. I love how Gottman also discussed how reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration isn’t complicated. Just by talking and thinking about them you can strengthen or bring back your feelings of respect and likeness. By openly discussing and talking about the problems in your marriage and how they each affect one another, it makes it so much easier

to continue to find solutions to them. 

                                                                            

Gottman talks about having a "Love Map", yours or your partners likes, dislikes, joys, stresses, strengths, worries and so on. The whole idea of creating and learning your partners “Love Map” made me think about my other relationships. I’m not married so the relationships I focus on are my family and friends. So I decided to try it out with one of my best friends and roommate. We picked twenty-questions from the list of sixty and quizzed each other on how well we knew each other. I was surprised how well we did, but there were also a few I had no idea about. It helped me get to know her better and for her to get to know me better. I learned that the better you know your partner or spouse, knowing their likes, dislikes, strengths, struggles, joys, and so on, the better you can succeed to endure the storms that come with marriages. It isn’t easy and with knowledge is strength. I hope that when I do marry my spouse and I will know each other over time well enough to get a really high score on the different tests and activities that Gottman has in his book.

Don't forget to love and cherish your spouse even when times get tough.